Should I keep this part in my book?

Question by mnm: Should I keep this part in my book?
I limped over to my locker. Wincing every time my bloody, blistered, bandage feet hit the ground. I turned the knob to 14-26-3, and pulled it open. I scanned locker room, only seeing other girls green lockers, and blood stains on the tile. I reached into my locker and pulled out my jeans, a black tank top, and my hoodie. I closed my locker and made a painful walk to the changing stalls. I got dressed and sent my bloody gray jumper down the laundry shot. I wrapped my self in my hoodie, then put the sleeves next to my nose. Jay’s scent filling my breathing air. Relaxing my senses, clearing my thoughts, and dulls my pain. I felt a tear leave my eye. Oh how I miss him. I haven’t seen him for over a week, and last time I saw him, he was telling me to run.I wiped away the tears and let out a heavy sigh then opened the stall door.

“Hello Margaret,” Kami’s hand grasp my throat, and pushed me back into the stall, closing the door behind her. I choked, and coughed. I started kicking and thrashing around as her grip got tighter, blocking off my air. She pulled out her lighter and lit it. I stopped struggling as she put it close to my face. I focused on my breathing, trying to get some air in to my lungs.
“What are you doing here?” She whispered. I looked in to her eye that were dark, and dangerous. Her lips curled into a smile, showing her perfect white teeth, that showed brightly between her red lips. Just by looking at her, you’d think she’s a model with her perfect brown hair, beautiful smile, and eyes that captures every ones. But really, she’s the devil. Once you’re captured in her gaze, you see darkness, hatred, and power.

“Aren’t you going to answer me?” She asked, holding the flame closer to my cheek. I felt the heat pricking my skin, making me sweat and panic. “Oh that’s right, you can’t talk with out air,” she giggled. She loosened her grip, just enough for me to start breathing. But instead of breathing, I started coughing. She tightened her grip again, trying to silence me.

“Let go,” I wheezed under my breath. My vision started to get hazy from lack of air, and her lighter’s flame was burning my cheek, just like how her eyes were burning mine.

She laughed, and blew out her lighter and slid it into her jean pocket. She leaned in close to my face. “I don’t like you,” she slyly whispered. “and I don’t want you here,” She leaned in closer to my ear. “I will kill you when I get opportunity, and I will not hesitate to take your life,” She banged my head against the stall. A shock of pain went threw the back of my head. She dropped me on the ground, and kick my side as I coughed and choked, trying to get air in my lungs. “See you at training,” she said, and then left.

I stayed on the ground holding my head, and holding back tears. I rubbed my throat, that will hostilely be bruised in Morning, and touched the tender burned skin on my cheek. I stood up, shaking off the moment, and the pain. I pulled my self together, and limped out.
hahaha no she is not “The devil” sorry if there was some confusion there. But think about a person who only does bad things to you, and others, and never does anything good, me and my friends would describe that person like the devil. But I think I will change that part. 😀

Best answer:

Answer by Alex
I don’t know what your story is, so it is hard to say if this contributes or takes away from it.

But it is very well written. It conjured up many bad memories of being bullied in the girls locker room, almost to the point of discomfort…. that’s a sign of a really good writer, when your reader can not only feel the heat from the lighter on their skin, but pull memories and life experiences from their own past to make the story have that much more depth.

I would keep it in, but that is only based on the Information I have in front of me.

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