Question by Krista: I’m 23 years old and I feel like a child, what do I do?
I’m 23 years old and married. I have been unemployed since August of ’08 and my husband lost his job in June of this year. I am dealing with a disability so I’m having a difficult time tryng to find work, and because of some nasty and fraudulent things that have been spitefully placed into my husband’s work file, he can’t find work until that is resolved. We’re struggling; he gets unemployment benefits and I was denied, but we’re making ends meet the best we can.
My problem is I feel like a child because anytime I want to buy anything I have to ask “permission” and get the money from my husband. I feel like I am 5 years old asking my dad if I can buy a toy at the store. On top of that, he’s taken over the remote and anytime I want to watch anything, he’ll put it on my show but flip to something else that he wants to watch instead and only flip it back to my show on the commercials for his show. I miss more than half of what I’m trying to watch, and he gets irritated when I ask him to change it back because I don’t want to miss a certain part of the show I want to watch. For example, the other day a movie was on, and he was flipping back and forth between the football game (to check the score) and about a dozen other channels (he channel surfs sometimes), and I asked him to turn it back to the movie because I knew it was getting to the maybe 3 minute portion of the movie I wanted to actually watch. He gave me a dirty look and said “I’m watching something” in a nasty tone and proceeded to continue to flip through channels. I don’t have much I like to watch, so every now and then when a show is on I want to see, I feel like, yet again, I have to ask permission to do something, and most of the time it’s met with some kind of nasty remark and look before he just either ignores my request or throws a fit and launches the remote across the room and storms upstairs.
This only started a few days ago, maybe a couple weeks at most, and now I feel afraid to ask him for anything. This man was previously a very sweet and generous person who would give the world to me if I asked for it (which I never asked for much) who always took pleasure in taking care of me. He would always give me some cash to make sure I had some if I needed it (I usually would hold on to it for weeks at a time and when he’d offer me money again I’d let him know I still had the money he gave me a while ago) and we’ve been married for over a year and together for over 2 years.
I’ve been through some really bad relationships before him, with abuse, and it has made me “gun shy” about getting into confrontations with guys, so I feel terrified to say anything. Now I feel like I can’t talk to him at all about anything because I’m afraid he’ll get upset, and that makes me feel sick just thinking about it because I have essentially been “trained” that when a guy gets mad, I get hurt.
What do I do? How do I talk to him about this when I’m so afraid? I know that he wouldn’t ever hurt me, but once you’ve been through this enough with other people and had it end badly, it’s something that’s stuck in your head. I’m depressed (and just started being treated for it a few days ago) because my disability has changed me from an active young person to a house-bound and nearly bed-ridden person (this began about a year ago, it’s a hereditary thing), so this situation doesn’t help matters. I don’t want to be this way, I want to pull my weight, which I try to do at home, and it’s never been a problem with him before because he was happy that I was safely at home and he was the “breadwinner”, in fact we decided that I would work part-time at most and be a homemaker the rest of the time. I don’t get what’s happened to him all of a sudden, and I don’t know how to talk to him about it without him getting upset. Any suggestions on how to deal with this?
Answer by Joshua
Rebel! Take the leap without thinking of the consequences!
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