Harsh criticism on my writing please?

Question by ครђเєღ: Harsh criticism on my writing please?
Okay, so at the moment I have writer’s block and I’m only halfway through my second chapter. At the moment, I’ve decided that I will just write out any scene of the book and eventually do some editing and put it all together–do you think that is a good way to write a novel or should I just finish the second chapter..? I need some inspiration very badly. Anyway, I’d like your opinion on a scene in my book that I wrote in about 10 minutes–it’s going to be a part of chapter four, I think… I’m not sure. Keep in mind that I wrote this in a few minutes so it’s not going to be perfect (there’ll be little errors, spelling mistakes). I prefer harsh criticism because it actually helps me so don’t hold anything back in fear that you’ll hurt my feelings or something, haha.
I’m worried that I haven’t much detail in it as I should. It’s obviously going to be longer than this but I didn’t want to burden you with a lot of writing. So.. any advice on how to make it more without making it boring? Hmm, I don’t really think ‘descriptive’ is the word I’m looking for… (I think I have enough of that). I just think I need to write about their feelings more without it being irrelevant? Gahh, I have no clue–I’m only 13 and a beginner at writing. I think the scene goes to quickly and things are happening too fast–that’s what I was trying to say. Phew.
Thank you everyone, here’s my scene:

His eyes held a devilish glint and I knew that whatever he said wouldn’t be in my favor. I could tell by unfathomable gaze that he was trying to provoke me. “I dare you to race me,” Demetri said as he pointed to our destination. “to the exit of the forest.”
In the far distance I could see a little light sparking out of the dark and thick forest trees. There was a canopy of trees towering over us, surrounding us in a dusk light even though it was a bright morning day. The only thing casting us light was the fireflies, dancing in the darkness. I took a deep breathe, weighing the chances of winning. I could do it with one thing: distraction and the elemet of surprise.
I smiled at him. “What’s the catch?”
“If you win,” he mused. “then you won’t have to train tomorrow–you’ll be the one training me.”
“That does sound intriuging, but will you be testing me?”
“Definitely.”
I groaned. “And if you win?”
“I’ll have your pants.”
“You want my pants?” I repeated in confusion.
He grinned balefully at me. “I want them off.”
Now I’ve established that I need to win because I would rather die than let him get anywhere near my pants.
I nodded curtly. “Fine. You can do the honors.”
“Ready,” he breathed, his eyes focused on the light. My eyes were glued on the mystifying light as well.”Set.” My heart dangerously leapt and skipped a beat. “Go.”
As soon as the word left his mouth I ran. Demetri was only two steps ahead of me, but that would be all it took to win so I pushed myself to run faster–the rocks covered with moss crushed underneath me at my super-human touch, the fireflies scattered instinctively and I dared a cursory glance at the vampire running along side me, a mere few feet away.
Demetri was looking at me, something passed his eyes… a cloud of alarm. I frowned in concern at him whilst trying to send him a telepathic message: what’s wrong?
I slightly lost focus and nearly toppled over a rock so I continued to keep my eyes fixated infront of me. As I kept running to the light my frantic mind tried to think of explanations for his unusual expression.
I heard a crack of a twig and took a look to the left again but Demetri had vanished. My heart was pounding in my chest and it felt like it was going to explode. I stopped running, in the middle of the forest, my body stilled.

Thanks again xo.

Best answer:

Answer by Brian
Edge of my seat, where did he go?!? Are you sure you’re only 13? The only thing I can suggest is that breath is spelled wrong… you either breathe to survive, or you can take a breath in anticipation of a race. Other than that, I’ll want to read this book when you’re done.

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